Not directly, anyway.
It’s a post about how my brother is leaving the Philippines in less than a month; my mom is selling her house in NYC; my parents are separating; Rob has lost his job; the nannies are thinking about quitting; Rob’s mom is dying of cancer; Rob and I have decided to wait seven years to get married; and my family – that is, Rob, the kids, and I – have little to worry about in terms of financial cushion for the future.
It’s about change, and how much there is going on right now.
It’s about how little I know about the future and what it may bring. It’s about how fleeting and futile plans are. It is about motherhood, and being a student, and commitment, and relationships, and romance, and being close to one’s parents. It’s about having lofty dreams and not knowing how to go about chasing them. It’s about realizing how much of a fuck-up you’ve been, and being at peace with the past. It’s about “finding one’s self.” “Coming of age.” “Learning your lessons.” It’s about life, and how hard it is, and how much harder it’s going to get, and how that difficult stuff – that hard stuff – is the very best bit of living. It cements you, keeps you in place, gives you purpose and drive and integrity and character.
This. All of this is what this post is about.
(And also: I’m sick. Don’t know yet how much I should be worrying. Will leave that up to the professionals when I get back to NYC and have insurance to pay for my care.)
Okay. So this post is a little about me.
But mostly: Let’s not focus on that. Instead, let’s focus on the fact that I’ve been writing a lot of fiction, and wanting to learn guitar, and become more fit than I’ve been in a long time. And my kids: My glorious, amazing, beautiful, luminous children. And their father: the man with whom I have the most of everything. And my awesome, supportive, consummately there-for-me family: those by blood and those by choice. Let’s focus on them, and the dramas they are going through and the ways in which I may help them and become a better person in the process.
Do I know if/when I’ll return to the Philippines? Do I know what is next for me? If I’ll get pregnant again, or need expensive medical treatments, or go back to Brooklyn College to finish up my degree, or open a fashion boutique in Laguna (Philippines), or get married in the immediate future?
I have no clue.
But that’s not the important thing. So let’s not focus on that. Let’s focus on beauty and family and love and hope and faith and things that are not about me. Let’s focus on you, and how thankful I am that our minds have touched. Let’s focus on the blessings of each moment and be thankful for each passing day.