So it’s safe to let it all out. To say that I’m in a very hard place, where money is tight, I have two kids to support, the culture is completely different from what I’m used to, I have no support system, and my grades are in question. I can say that I’m questioning what it means to love someone, to be in love, and to raise a family. I can say that I am confused about what I want and what everything means. I can say that I don’t know what the future has in store, and I’m scared and anxious and frustrated. I want to get to the next stage, but I have no idea what that next stage may be or what I want it to be. I can say that Rob’s mom has stage four cancer, and that upsets me on many levels. I can say that my own mom is really sick, and that that worries the crap out of me. I’m supposed to get two biopsies to rule out cancer. My dad is talking to me again (yay?), and he manages to upset me just by being him… And yet, I’m a lot like him, and Micah’s a lot like me and I cannot handle the idea of raising a kid that’s like my dad.
I’m just… not in a good place. And the only way I know how to cope is to write emails to close friends (because they’re not around to have face-to-face conversations with), write fiction, and lash out at Rob.
I’ll probably be writing here more often. If anyone is reading this, HI! Hope you’re doing better than I am.