I’m currently studying for three microbiology/parasitology exams (two written and one practical), even though I saw my doc this morning and she was all, “Your cervix is soft and opening up! I can fit my fingernail in there! You’ll be a mom of two by the end of the week!” At the same time, I’m working on my freelance article, fixing everything for Riley’s birthday celebration, culling editing work, figuring out what to do about the housekeeping situation, and being OCD about everything being ready for Micah’s big arrival. I can’t say it’s been easy, but I’m not complaining!
I’ve decided to step up my discipline game. Not only do I have to start demanding more from my employees (the two nannies and one maid), but I can’t feel guilty for doing so. They work for me, and as much as I want them to feel comfortable here, I can’t compromise my own sanity just to keep them comfortable. I need to stay on top of the budget and make sure that my kids are being taken care of the way I need them to be taken care of. I need to scale back on other priorities to make sure that the house is being run the way it should be run. As much as it pains me to be a hard-ass at home, my conscience and my paranoia have to be relaxed: I have to be able to trust that things are running smoothly, and the only way to do that is to be more demanding.
To be honest, I’m not sure right now how I should feel. My dad picked fights with me earlier regarding the way the house is run, and I feel all sorts of conflicted. Am I changing up my usual routine just to please him? Just to do the opposite of what he wants me to do? Just because I think it’s right? I’m so confused, I don’t know.
All I know right now is that I need to concentrate on passing micro-para. My second son will be born soon. My first son is doing well, and I have little to worry about when it comes to him. And everything else? It’ll work itself out, one way or another.
So there it is.
To relax my mind, take things one step at a time, and forget my dad.
It feels like, the more I learn, the more I’m tethered to what I already know.