Recently, the weather changed in the Philippines, and with the rain and cold winds came a new sense of calm. There’s a stillness that’s invaded me. I feel like the eye of a tornado is quietly humming inside my soul. I’m very aware of my place in the grand scheme of things, and of the plans that I’ve made, and of the future that’s upon me. I know just how dangerous I am. I know the threat I pose. I know that there are some people who love me and some people who hate me, and some people who don’t give a shit about me. I’ve made peace with all of the facts and all of the possibilities. I feel centered and tranquil.
Today, I did the best I could. I prepared as best I could for my day, showed up to all the places I was expected, and gave my all whenever a little of me was asked for. I’ve been doing this for so long, it now comes naturally. Not only that, but I no longer fear negative repercussions for my good intentions, skill and steadfastness. I’m confident in myself, and I’m able to see others’ problems as others’ problems.
Still, I get frustrated; I sometimes lose my cool. There are times when I feel positively shitty for no real reason. It’s just what happens; I’m human.
I keep on moving forward in my life, and yet sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m stuck in the same place. My loved ones’ problems are their problems, but I love them, so I make them my problems, too. I’m doing well in school, but at the end of the day, I wonder what it’s worth. I love my life, but I wonder if I should be living some other way, doing some other thing, being some other person. I learn lessons to better myself, and not to win awards, and yet sometimes I don’t feel any better. Changed, yes. But not always better.
I need to recharge. I’m fixing everyone else, trying to make good on my goals, and holding everything together with smiles and Scotch tape. I keep on going only because I’m stubborn and I refuse to stop.
Lately, though, I’m too tired to run on all cylinders – not just physically tired, but emotionally drained. I feel like I’m giving and giving and giving, and all of my sources of replenishment are far, far away. I need to find people who get me, and I need to find them soon. Because, yes, I’m doing all right. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be doing better. And once I stop getting better, I stop being good.