It’s 5 in the morning and I should be doing Philippine History homework, but Rob leaves in two days and I’m feeling some kind of way. A few minutes ago, I pried myself away from my warm bed, where my man and our baby and our cat were sound asleep. I crept past the chilly breezes coming in through the windows, and I made my way to the guest room to type. It was all very necessary; I have to get used to pulling myself away from my family in order to get work done – even though it kills me every time. And even though I find it so. damn. hard to concentrate on anything but the stabbing feeling of sadness in my gut, I have to make this work. It’s for my own good, it’s for their own good, and it just has to be the case.
For the past 11 months, I’ve been living the life that I’ve always wanted. I’ve had a loving and supportive partner by my side, the love and adoration of a beautiful and intelligent child, and many academic- and career- related successes. For the past five months, I’ve even been blessed with another pregnancy, which is going so smoothly that I haven’t even had a chance to digest all the change this baby will bring into our lives. And the personal rewards? The ones that tell me that I’m really learning and growing and changing and becoming a better person and partner and mother? They’re innumerable.
I’ve wanted to paint a picture of our perfection, but I realize that doing so is really just an exercise in ego, and my family is so much more than a reason for my head to swell.
Rob and I know that we’re both still works in progress. We still have a long way to go before our personal goals – the ones we mad up before we’d even met each other – are achieved, and we would still like to meet them. Thing is, it’s hard to be in the mix of your own family’s routine – especially when that family is so intoxicatingly awesome – and still feel compelled to do other things besides love up on your partner and child. I’m taking a determinedly positive outlook on Rob’s impending departure*, and realizing that this separation may be exactly what I need to launch all of my pre-This Awesome Life dreams into reality.
I have my academics in check. I have to push work along a tad bit more. Family life and pregnancy are going well… It’s just writing that I have to put a lot more effort into.
Now, I’ll have that opportunity – and it’s all because Rob is leaving. Whereas I have been too paralyzed by perfection to write anything of great consequence or art, I will now be set adrift, far-flung from my personal standards of paradise, and will have no choice but to anchor myself to those beautiful words that manifest ideas into realities.
See? The old zing! is coming back.
Though it won’t take Rob’s place, it sure is welcome.