How quickly the winds change.

In biochemistry class today, the teacher talked about how abortion is wrong. Then smirked at those of us who believe in the Big Bang Theory. Then didn’t bother to elaborate on other complex, scientific theories, except to give the major idea behind each and say, mockingly, “Does this make sense to you?”

And me? I sat in my chair, not even half-listening as I balanced next month’s budget and imagined how my editing website would look. There goes my soap-box.

Hi, remember me? Lil Miss Outspoken Liberal Feminist?

No?

I don’t either.

*****

It was only a year ago when I’d told a classroom full of religious teenagers that I’d had an abortion. I hadn’t minded the facts: that none of them were on my side, that none of them saw things the way I saw them, and that none of them even liked me. I’d just wanted to illuminate their perspectives; to couch a hypothetical situation in a context that was real to them; and to make them see/feel/experience several dimensions of a person who had done something they’d considered sinful.

I hadn’t even minded rocking my “I Had An Abortion” T-shirt in public. I hadn’t cared about the dirty remarks made behind my back or the not-so-veiled threats or disgusted looks thrown my way. I’d been bold. I’d been brazen.

Then I’d gotten scared, and something inside of me died.

Now I’m making moves – the kind of moves that will get me noticed even when I don’t want to be noticed. I’m drawing attention and feeling like a giant bulls-eye. And the strangest thing is happening: The old bravado’s coming back. Big time. But I’m still keeping my mouth shut.

Why? The answer isn’t pretty, but that’s what makes it interesting, right? Beautiful things are never boring…

I think I’ve accepted that Filipinos – or at least, the majority of people at my school – are hopeless cases of close-mindedness. As such, I have this feeling that I’m free to think less of them.

Awful, right? Only, this line of thinking fits. And it actually seems ideal. There’s only one problem: with that particular belief comes a generalization that makes me a self-righteous bigot.

Look, guys: I know we’re all walking contradictions, but that turn of hypocrisy? I don’t like it. Not one bit.

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3 responses to “How quickly the winds change.

  1. Sigh. These are the reasons I knew I could never move back home. It’s depressing and sad because I have just as much hate for my own people as I have love for my culture.

  2. Dude. I feel the same way, and you bring up a good point. I rep the PI hard when I’m back home in NYC. I wonder, though, how real I’m being about it… I mean, how much can you really separate a culture from the people who practice it, ya know?

  3. i’ve often had the same internal conflict just trying to justify myself to the world. how can i go out of my way to run away from groups of filipinos and from befriending the majority of them, but love so much about how we function? the food we eat? the way we celebrate occasions and life?

    i’ve learned (so far) that the difference is culture and attitude are not the same thing. they do hold hands at some point, but i know i love the culture. i think what i mostly disagree with is the attitude. i could go more in depth, but it would require a blog on it’s own and a playlist for massive thinking. however, does that make some sense?

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