No matter how many blogs or posts or comments I make, I always feel like a novice. All I know is that blogging is a part of me: it helps me figure out what I’m really feeling; it helps me stay in touch with my friends and family while also introducing me to lots of kick-ass people; and it gives me an excuse to write for me. Not for a paycheck or a grade. Just me. I think that part’s really important. It keeps me honest.
Maybe the best part of all? Reading my blog is like a portal into the past. I can see all the things I’ve ever felt liked wanted hated sung kissed fucked feared hoped for. I can re-meet the me’s of yesteryear. And I can do so at a safe distance, without the input of others to dilute the truth. It’s painful and ugly and beautiful and awesome. And I have a problem. Because inevitably feelings change. People you once found annoying suddenly become your BFFs. Scathing secrets that you put on blast are swept under the rug and yet still out in the cyber-world, waiting to be reopened. Juicy tidbits about your pre-self may leak all over your pristine future.
I find myself worrying about this as my stats have been climbing, and yet my comments have stayed relatively the same. It makes me believe that most of my lurkers know me in RL and would rather not tip me off of their reading. I know that there are things on here that are off-color, and that doesn’t really bother me. What bothers me is the thought that someone who knows me in RL will read something written a long time ago and take it to mean that they know something about me that has altered in time.
So what’s a girl to do?
Should I take out all of the incriminating stuff? Start from scratch, with an alias and without any ties to the real me? Assume that loved ones will realize that any hurtful things said about them are in the past, and that they have nothing to do with my current feelings?
Or am I just bugging out because a whole buncha meds are in my system, making me tweak, twitch, and shake, and maybe also making me obscenely paranoid?