Brighter than sunshine.

Even before Rob and I talked things over, I’d made my decision. Then I talked to Shais, aka the friend who introduced Rob and I in the first place, and I found myself saying, “Rob says he paid the bill, and even though the pragmatic side of me thinks there’s only a .7% chance that he’s telling the truth, I believe him. I believe him because I love him, and that’s what you do when you love someone: you trust them. You believe in them.”

Shortly thereafter, Rob and I talked things over and all is right with us again.

There’s less than four weeks till he’s here, and the closer I get to seeing him, the more I chide myself for having jumped the gun about our break-up. I guess that’s just how we are: I have an itchy trigger finger, and Rob can usually disarm me with just his smile. But this whole distance situation? It’s making it impossible for me to see that disarming smile, and making it very difficult for me to envision the near-future.

Without that goal in front of me, I get blind-sided. I get lost. I get doubtful. I’m used to plans changing and having to make the best with what I’ve got; I’m used to assuming the script’s flipped and I therefore need to rewrite an alternate ending. I need constant reminding and reinforcement of the goal, the script, the plan. It has to be drilled in my skull that things have not changed, people are trustworthy, the situation is not different. I must persist with what I’m doing. Maybe that’s why I’m such a big fan of lists. I need things to be linear and straight-forward. Otherwise I get all kinds of kooky.

The end of that argument cemented our roles and made everything clear: the great adventure of my life all of a sudden feels real and tangible, and it most certainly includes Rob by my side.

So we’re working on a lot of big plans. We’re making a lot of lists. We’re setting a lot of goals.

And we’re most definitely in this till the end.


3 responses to “Brighter than sunshine.

  1. Go with what you feel.

    You’re the one in this situation and you’re the one who knows it the best. The good, the bad, the minute little insignificant moments that we all know are significant depending on the angle you view them.

    But mainly… make decisions without that disarming smile. I know nothing about the situation or you two personally, but in my mind… maybe sometimes we need to be away from that type of comfort in order to see things clearly.

  2. I hear you about “make decisions without that disarming smile”, but even after 6 months of being apart, it’s still what I want, and I’m thinking it’ll be that way for a looonng time.

    Yeah, I have doubts, I have worries, I see the glass as half-full with everyone else’s lives, and I go through periods of only seeing either empty or full glasses in my own life. That’s just the way I am. Doesn’t mean I don’t know what love is, or who’s best for me. (Wow, double negative much? LOL)

  3. then I’m glad to hear it. its true, you can’t kick yourself in the face for trusting someone you love, that’s just an unfortunate side effect – lol. I appreciate that you guys talked this through, and came to a strong agreement again; your posts on the breakup were not as final and as hopeless as you thought. the goals define the outcome.

    I’m sending good vibes your way today. its raining at the moment.


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