Things That Are Different Now That I’m Pregnant:

1)    Showering – When you’re pregnant, you sweat more than you normally do. The great thing, though, is that in my case, sweat smells like apple juice. I shower more frequently than I did pre-pregnancy, but even when I’m working out, I’m not as self conscious as I might be if I smelled like a gym sock.

Possible TMI : I don’t wash my areolas with soap. They get dried out really quickly, and I’ve found that a quick and efficient fix is coconut oil. It smells good, is all-natural, and stops the chaffing.

2)    Eating – Dude, can I just say how much it sucks to not be able to have a glass of gin once and a while? Or sushi? Or brie? I mean, sure, I get it, it’s bad for the baby, and I want a healthy baby so I’ll happily refrain from consuming any of these things. But damn. Sometimes I just want sushi and some soju. And even coffee and tea. I’m so paranoid about doing something wrong that I err on the side of caution, and that means having only decaffeinated black tea and no coffee. You better believe that I’m gorging on all of these things the second the baby’s outta my body!

3)    Sleeping & Resting – Most of you are well aware that the pre-pregnancy me was constantly on the go. So this new development of constantly being tired? And taking naps in the middle of the day? And not being able to handle doing a zillion things at once? It’s all so strange and foreign. So this is what it’s like to be lazy!

4)    Piss & Poop – I pee all. The. Time. It’s really a pain, especially when I’m commuting and realize mid-trip that I’m gonna have to pee SOON. The up side is that I now know most of the subway stations that have restrooms.

And my poop? It smells like what I remember baby poop to smell like and it’s this strange dark green-brown color that I’m assured is caused by prenatal vitamins and not by a strange psycho-somatic need to ape the baby.

5)    Sex – Ya know the cliché about the pregnant woman who’s horny all the time? Hi, nice to meet you. One of the best side effects of pregnancy is that an increase in blood circulation to the fun-time-place means that orgasms are ridiculously easy to achieve. Of course, on the flip side, there’s this huge and growing bulge that’s literally coming between me and Rob, and it makes the usual acrobatics… um, difficult, to say the least. Not only have we had to stick to a handful of positions because of our fear that we’d otherwise squash the baby, but packing on the pounds hasn’t exactly helped me with my center of gravity. It’s always shifting, and I never know what I’m capable of doing. So yeah. The days of doing it doggy style in public bathrooms? They’re numbered. At least for now. And me being on top? Have you seen how skinny Rob is? I’m afraid I’ll break him. That’s not a conversation I’d like to have with the coroner.

6)    Fashion – So DUH. I’m limited in what pre-pregnancy clothes I can wear. There’s no surprise there. And I know, pragmatically speaking, that I should limit my maternity wear to sweats and baggy overalls, but damnit, just because I’m pregnant, it doesn’t mean that I’m gonna stop being a tad bit vain. I still care about my appearance. I still wanna look good. The fact that maternity clothes cost an arm and a leg and I’m broke? That’s only another challenge, like learning how to be a full-time student, employee and mom at the same time.

So I’ve taken up designing and sewing my own dresses and jackets, and I’m aided by the fact that my mom loaded up on maternity wear a couple of years ago when she had her liposuction surgery. The one part that I can’t fudge is shoes. All of my sexy shoes pinch and/or have heels that are too high. Only a couple pairs of sneakers fit – and that’s because I bought them a couple of sizes too big in the first place. Meh, can’t have it all.

7)    Temperament – I don’t remember if I was always this *ahem* in touch with my feelings. For the most part, I’ve taken on this serene and very “live and let live” feeling about life, in general. But there are times – oh, man, are there times! – when I feel the overwhelming urge to knock the teeth out of some guy’s face because I saw him leering at junior high school students. Or I wanna stomp on the head of a disrespectful teenager. Or I can’t talk to people who have a hard time communicating because if I have to ask you one more time what the fuck you’re talking about, I’m gonna end up talking with my fists. So yeah. I get kinda moody. Kinda.

8)    Complexion, Hair, and Nails – Luckily, I haven’t yet had the pregnancy pimple thing happens to lots of women, and I’ve gotten some perks: My hair and nails have grown longer, quicker, and stronger than ever before. Yay! Plus!

9)    Hair II – Unfortunately, ALL of my hair has grown longer, quicker, and stronger than ever before. That means that I can shave my legs in the morning and by the time I go to bed, I look like Sasquatch. Boo! Yuck!

10)    Vaginal Discharge – My panties give the impression that I’m having wet dreams ALL THE TIME…

11)    Dreams – … And maybe that’s because I HAVE been having wet dreams all the time. Ok, no. I have them MOST of the time. The other times, I have very vivid dreams that are just plain strange. Like I dreamt the other night that I was going down on Kim Jong-il. Can anyone tell me what the fuck that’s about?

12)    Stuff With Rob – What can I say? In general, and with Rob specifically, I’ve found that impending parenthood is just the flame necessary under one’s ass. Would I be going back to school so quickly, if not for the baby? Probably not. Would Rob be job hunting so incessantly? I don’t think so. Would I be undertaking the great adventure of living overseas, and questioning everything I know about my heritage, my paternal extended family, and my feminism by doing so? Not right now. It seems like we’re defying all of the expected clichés of having a baby; we’re getting better as individuals and as a couple, and even though I’d like to give us full credit for this pleasant side effect of pregnancy, I’m pretty sure it’s all Riley.

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2 responses to “Things That Are Different Now That I’m Pregnant:

  1. But things are good pregnant, it sounds. 🙂

  2. I dunno if this is a universal thing, some chemically-induced state of euphoria or something, but I’m guilty as charged. Things are good pregnant. 🙂

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