I was tagged several times over on facebook and myspace for this meme, and because I have family members on those sites, I kept my answers bland. Here are the slightly more riske and funny random things you might not [want to] know about me.
1. I started masturbating at a really, really young age. By the time I was 6 years old, I was humping teddy bears, a Kid Sister doll, and bowling pins.
2. The brand of the bowling set that I humped was called Franklin; I told this to Rob and he named one of my vibes “Frank.” So now, sometimes, he’ll say, “Hey, where’s Frank? I think he should be in on this.”
3. I make transitions and conclusions really quickly – and I totally attribute that ability to blogging and therapy. I need to be able to mark my evolution in order to continue evolving.
4. I’ve dated and had sex with several women, but I’ve never met one that I want to have a long-term relationship with. I think it’s because I think more highly of women than men, in general, and I therefore would want more from a relationship with one than I would with a relationship with a man… [And here’s where my mistrust for men and innate masochism show themselves.]
5. I’ve always been really creative, and really experimental in my creativity. I used to make collages all the time out of magazine cut-outs and nail polish. And there’s that time I figured out that if you held a piece of paper close enough to a candle, you could use the smoke to draw pictures. (I made an ill self-portrait that way.) I was nine when I made that discovery, and ended up burning my forehead.
6. I wore braces for 9 years.
7. I have what I call “a modest vagina.” My lips don’t part a lot, so you don’t see much unless I spread my legs – and even then, sexual novices have a hard time finding everything.
8. Despite the fact that I’ve been masturbating for so long, I’ve never been able to enjoy hand jobs – not if I have to use my own hands, anyway. I’ve always liked toys.
9. I don’t flirt intentionally [unless I want something]. I’m just a really sexual/sensual person, and it kind of flows out. People seem to detect it in the air, like a perfume, and react to it.
10. Every single time I’ve used a tampon, I’ve gotten a UTI. So I don’t use tampons.
11. I have a really low tolerance for immature people, but I’m really trying not to cause waves right now. Instead of catching an attitude, I treat immature adults like children. It still shows off my superiority complex, but at least I’m not hostile.
12. Shais and I have decided to restart the Writer’s Circle. It’s the first time that I’m not in control of who’s being invited (Shais is), and I’m kind of apprehensive about respecting these peoples’ opinions. Still, I’m hoping that Shais knows me well enough and doesn’t want to cause any drama.
13. I have a really high opinion of my body. I get that everyone’s entitled to their own tastes and opinions, but for the most part, I figure that if you don’t agree that I’m really fucking hot, you just haven’t seen me naked.
14. My sexiest physical feature is the birthmark on my back. It’s placement almost seems strategic: off to the side, and low enough that it seems like a secret that’s been whispered in your ear.
15. I’ve never lost a physical fight.
16. Here’s a trick I use when I’m working out on a machine, i.e., treadmill, elliptical machine, stationary bicycle, et al. : I watch a scary movie. Every time the ghost/monster/killer is after someone, I imagine that it’s me they’re after. If I don’t run/pedal/etc. as fast as I can until the scene is over, then I’m dead. A similar method is when I imagine that the cops are after me.
17. Whenever I sense danger in a particular location, I always come up with an escape plan. Sometimes they’re really elaborate and involve hiding in rafters or jumping from rooftops. I like to think that if push came to shove, and zombies roamed the streets or a group of mercenaries locked down campus, I could escape with my life. [Hence why I work out all the time.]
18. A part of me thinks it’s possible that you, yes YOU, are a police officer/FBI agent/U.S. Marshal who will someday be after me, and that I’m making it easy for you to get inside my head.
19. Even before the food network became a powerhouse, I was totally immersed in cooking programs. Remember that old southern white guy who cooked outside? I think he was from Louisiana? I LOVED him. And Graham Kerr? I used to run home so that I could catch him on TV, right before he put the food on those different-colored lights. And Julia Child? I still have several stand-by recipes that I got from watching her show, including a DIVINE mussels recipe that I’ve committed to memory.
20. Sometimes when I’m doing something, I imagine that I’m really a clip in the video of my life, and that there’s a voiceover talking about me. This video is usually a biographical account of how I rose to infamy or fame/power, and people say things like, “If you really thought you knew M, then you knew nothing about her.”
21. There’s a bunch of stuff I hate about pregnancy: no matter what the doc tells me about exercising being safe, I’m afraid to do it; my pussy smells stronger and strange; I’ve gotten cavities for the first time in 16 years; I ALWAYS feel bloated. But whatevs, man. I’m having a baby. That kinda trumps all this other stuff.
22. When I was six or seven years old, I used to wake up to my parents inspecting my body. They were literally checking every inch of me. For what, I still have no idea, and I’m kind of afraid to ask.
23. For some reason, the word “Sparta” has always conjured up an idea of tough-as-nails SOBs, and when I was little I wanted my brother to be a Spartan. He was four and I was nine, and in order to toughen him up, that summer I bathed him in the coldest water the tap would provide. Afterwards, with his teeth chattering, I put him in front of a fan and ran ice cubes down his back. I didn’t let him towel off because I knew that he would feel colder if he was air-dried.
24. Also, I used to terrorize my brother by telling him that I’d cook him if he wasn’t obedient. I went into detail about how I’d use his teeth and fingernails as jewelry and would stick needles full of butterscotch into his stomach, to sweeten him up.
25. I’m in love with the TV show “Friday Night Lights.” [More on this later.]