Me: You’ll do awesomely well on your interview tomorrow! Just don’t forget to print out a copy of your resume and get a hair cut.
Rob: I don’t have money for a haircut.
Me: Then ask your mom for money for a haircut.
Rob: My mom’s mad at me. She won’t give me money for a haircut.
Me: This isn’t about you anymore. You’re gonna be a father. You need to be able to provide for your child. Remind your mom of that and she’ll give you money for a haircut.
Rob: She’s mad at me. She won’t give me money for a haircut.
Me: Will you at least ask her?
Rob: What’s the point? She won’t give me money for a haircut!
Me: This is what you say to your mom. “Mom, I know you’re upset at me right now, but I really need to land a job. I have a baby on the way I want to be responsible. I’m not gonna get hired if I go in for my interview with my hair long and dissheveled, so please lend me the money to get a haircut.”
Rob: It’s not gonna work.
Me: Then your mom’s a shitty mom.
Rob: Ok… I’m gonna go now.
Me: No! No you’re not gonna hang up the phone on me. It is essential that you get a job, and you need a haircut in order to land this job. I swear to God, if you don’t ask your mom, I’ll call and ask for you.
Rob: I’ll ask, I’ll ask. I’m just saying, she won’t give me the money.
Me: Then ya know what you do? You get angry and you say, “You’re a really bad mom, ya know that?” With all the guilt and self-resentment your mom’s got pent up, she’ll give you the money.
Rob: Ok, now you really went over-
Me: What? I’m just telling the truth. Your Mom is a retard.
Rob: I love you. I’m gonna go.
Me: Ok. [sigh] I love you, too. [beat] Please ask her?
Rob: I’ll ask her.
Me: And let me know which way it goes?
Rob: I’ll ask her, ok?
Me: Ok. Fine.
Rob: I love you.
Me: You said that already. Maybe if you repeatedly told your mom that she’s a shitty parent, she’d stop being such a shitty parent.