Your Mom Is a Retard

Me: You’ll do awesomely well on your interview tomorrow! Just don’t forget to print out a copy of your resume and get a hair cut.

Rob: I don’t have money for a haircut.

Me: Then ask your mom for money for a haircut.

Rob: My mom’s mad at me. She won’t give me money for a haircut.

Me: This isn’t about you anymore. You’re gonna be a father. You need to be able to provide for your child. Remind your mom of that and she’ll give you money for a haircut.

Rob: She’s mad at me. She won’t give me money for a haircut.

Me: Will you at least ask her?

Rob: What’s the point? She won’t give me money for a haircut!

Me: This is what you say to your mom. “Mom, I know you’re upset at me right now, but I really need to land a job. I have a baby on the way I want to be responsible. I’m not gonna get hired if I go in for my interview with my hair long and dissheveled, so please lend me the money to get a haircut.”

Rob: It’s not gonna work.

Me: Then your mom’s a shitty mom.

Rob: Ok… I’m gonna go now.

Me: No! No you’re not gonna hang up the phone on me. It is essential that you get a job, and you need a haircut in order to land this job. I swear to God, if you don’t ask your mom, I’ll call and ask for you.

Rob: I’ll ask, I’ll ask. I’m just saying, she won’t give me the money.

Me: Then ya know what you do? You get angry and you say, “You’re a really bad mom, ya know that?” With all the guilt and self-resentment your mom’s got pent up, she’ll give you the money.

Rob: Ok, now you really went over-

Me: What? I’m just telling the truth. Your Mom is a retard.

Rob: I love you. I’m gonna go.

Me: Ok. [sigh] I love you, too. [beat] Please ask her?

Rob: I’ll ask her.

Me: And let me know which way it goes?

Rob: I’ll ask her, ok?

Me: Ok. Fine.

Rob: I love you.

Me: You said that already. Maybe if you repeatedly told your mom that she’s a shitty parent, she’d stop being such a shitty parent.

6 responses to “Your Mom Is a Retard

  1. Um, I think you went a little overboard here. But then again, I don’t know Rob’s mom. But then again, Rob turned out the way he is because of her guidance (or lack thereof).

  2. Yeah, I fully admit that I can OD on my highhorse-ness – especially when it comes to Rob and his family. But you hit the nail right on the head: Rob turned out the way he is because of his mom’s lack of guidance. I get really frustrated when his mom treats him like an evil stepson; she calls him stupid, tells him he won’t amount to anything, etc. I blame her for a lot of his flaws.

  3. Poor guy. I think. How much is haircut in the US Anyway?

  4. Dying to know if he got a haircut.

  5. @ Pugs – A guy’s haircut at the barber shop is about $15, I think. So I guess it really comes out to about 20 bucks, with tip and all.

    @ Honeybell – LOL Rob did indeed get a haircut! I haven’t seen it yet, but he says that the barber did a lousy job.

  6. a retard tho?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s