My Therapist Is on Vacation

So I’m gonna share my talking points with you. Go ahead: shrink me.

1. Money (or lack thereof): I’m out of work, my savings are quickly dwindling, and there is no one I can turn to for financial assistance. My folks are financially fucked, the job market is nil, and I’m too big to make money whipping men (my waist has grown 4 inches). None of my affluent “friends” are friendly enough to give me a loan (something I realized recently, when I put my pride aside and asked); none of the people that I’m sure would loan me money have any to loan. The situation is getting dire.

2. Up until I found out I was pregnant, I was sharing an apartment with a good friend. We were living two blocks away from Prospect Park, and I was making enough money to pay my rent and get by all right. Life was good. It was safe. It was conventional. 

3. I moved back into my Mom’s house. There were many reasons for this:

     a. After 27 years of marriage, my folks are getting divorced. Dad’s been cheating on Mom for as long as I can remember. Mom’s finally fed up, and she needs emotional support.

     b. I’m pregnant and I want/need help with my baby.

     c. It’s more prudent – financially, I mean – if Mom and I combine our incomes.

4. My father is a HORRIBLE husband, but he’s an amazing and truly dedicated dad. He’s moving out of the house asap.

5. My parents are manipulative; they say whatever they need to say to get the desired outcome, even if that means lying, straight-faced. But I honestly believe they don’t know any better; they’ve been brainwashed to think their actions are ok. I can’t blame them for their ignorance.

6. Rob is unreliable. He’s immature and he’s self-centered. I don’t want him to be my life partner and I detest his family. I really don’t want my baby to spend time with Rob’s family, and the idea that my child is part him-. This baby is mine. Pure and simple. I’ll make him sign papers if need be.

7. I don’t have health insurance.

8. My parents never learned how to be financially responsible; I never really learned it, either. Now my dad’s SUV has been repossessed and he hasn’t paid the mortgage in 3 months. I’m thisclose to being homeless.

9. The only time things go smoothly is when I’m in control, so I spend my time being proactive. Checklists are made and acted on. Priorities are debated and executed with precision. Plans are dreamed up ad nauseum… I don’t want my life to go to shit, so I don’t trust anyone to do anything for me.

10. I desperately want to take my life down a road that I’ve never seen or heard of. I want to follow my dreams of traveling and writing, and at the same time I want to be financially comfortable and raise a family (on my own). I know how hard it is to start something new, to redefine what it is to live well, to exist in a realm of opportunity when everyone tells you that no such thing exists. I must live up to the challenge; I don’t know how to do anything else.

7 responses to “My Therapist Is on Vacation

  1. Come to NC. Lower cost of living, and ME. 🙂

  2. I’m not so sure if what I’ll say will help, but I do want the best for you and your baby.

    on 3: Hey, anything you need to do to survive. At least you’re surviving with someone who’ll always have your back. I’m pretty much in a similar situation myself, although I am saving up.

    on 4: I heard this from a Filipino Drama movie before: You can always change spouses, but your kids will always be yours. You have the strength to leave him, but you won’t. Why is that?

    on 5: I’m really confused with what Rob is to you. One blog post says you hate his immaturity and don’t want to do anything with him and on another, you want to keep him because he makes love to you the way you want.

    on 8: See what my comment on 3.

    You mentioned before that you have the option to live like a queen in the Philippines? Is it still there? I don’t want to sound biased, but I think it’s a good place to raise a kid (depending where and with what kind of people, I guess)or at least until the kid’s ready to go back to the US.

    I dunno. You’ll figure it out somehow.

  3. @ Maria – Don’t tempt me! LOL I’m soooo in need of a change of scenery. Or maybe that’s the hormones talking? If I can scrounge up some cash, I’m taking a road trip – straight to your door!

    @ Pugs – Thanks for your vote of confidence! But I think maybe you got your #s mixed up? In any case, you’re right about the family situation; I’m really fortunate and very happy that my folks are willing and able to help me out (at least emotionally).

    And it’s funny that you should mention moving to the Philippines; my dad asked me about that. I wanna do it, but I have 2 major qualms: 1) My folks would be paying mine and my kid’s way; I feel like I should be contributing to the income as opposed to taking so much of it. 2) I’m scared that my child and I won’t be on the same page because his/her formative years would’ve been spent in a completely different culture from the one I know, one that I’m not all too familiar with. I dunno. I want to travel in SE Asia for a while (with my homebase in the Philippines); I’m still figuring out the details.

    Oh, and Rob? LOL You’re confused because I’m confused! I guess the simple way of saying it is: Rob and I would work out if ___. That blank space can be filled with so many statements: if he could hold down a job; if he knew how to prioritize and think ahead; if he wasn’t so whipped by his mom. We love each other a lot – of that I’m sure – but like Don Henley and Patti Smyth sang, “Sometimes love just ain’t enough.”

  4. Traveling is easy…writing is hard. You already got the hard part. Have that baby, strap it to your back, and start globe trotting.

  5. @ J – Ya know, the more I think about what you said, the more I know that you’re right. Thanks.

  6. Here’s hoping 2009 brings you opportunities, for success and for love.

  7. ooh. maybe after the babys born, and things settle down, you can do the whole travelling thing. that sounds sexy. and hard. but you love a good challenge.

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